Mistakes

Lately I’ve been feeling like all of the decisions I’ve made during my life have all culminated into one large mistake. Sure, joining a cult may not have been top on the list of wise life decisions to make. But when you’re feeling lost, alone, and almost all the family you have refuses to talk to you, finding people who sympathize- who GET you- makes all those little ‘bad idea’ alarms going off in your head suddenly go silent.

Joining the cult was a bad idea, but leaving them has turned out to be even worse. At first, I thought that it was just a group of people hanging out. I never had many friends, and the friendships I did have always ended badly. The cult was like my family at first, but like everything else, it went bad. And I knew I had to get out.

Photo Credit

Now, I feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder. I’m working this awful job at a diner, hauling around heavy trays of plates, getting in return meager tips and gropes from my less sober customers. I’ve had to break three noses since I’ve been working there. One more and the job is gone.

I’m familiar with being poor. My family rarely had enough to eat on a regular basis. But I’ve had to give up the one thing that keeps me sane- my photography. When I escaped the cult I had to leave my camera behind. It wasn’t much, but it was my rock, my safety. That camera was a reminder of a time when things were better, but now, without it, I feel like I’m drifting.

Sometimes I feel like the strain of hiding from the cult is driving me crazy. I keep seeing things, shadows, out of the corner of my eye. I’ll be standing alone on a street corner and hear my name being called. The other day I was out grocery shopping and I thought I saw one of my old acquaintances from the cult. I dropped my grocery basket in the middle of the produce section and bolted. I don’t even know if that was real.

               

I’m not sure if anyone’s reading this. I don’t know if I want anyone to. I just need to connect to something. I just need to keep sane.